I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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