broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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