Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
This is not my ceiling
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Houston, we have a blender
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
