I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
