I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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