at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
how does that bad decision feel?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
