Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
