Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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