Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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