you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
