How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
