just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
