I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
That's when you crack a 10am beer
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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