woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
