We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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