I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
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