Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
