On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
