it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
