He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize