So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
