I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
