That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
