i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
