I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
