i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
