You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
