Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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