Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
worst night to have a conscience
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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