I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
