I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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