I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
