my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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