so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
