i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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