I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
His hands were made for my vagina.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
