I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
