Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
