she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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