great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
