The maid of honor just puked.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Your cock deserves a montage
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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