I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
