Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
