so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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