I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
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