neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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