life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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