So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
