I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
