My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
