Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
