My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
