Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
you traded sex for a burrito?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
