Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
