Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
