he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
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