with your own penis?
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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