so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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