I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
