I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
