Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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