threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
