come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
