I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
